Don’t lose your warm heart, Texas.

I am sure by now it has circulated around the world how the inferno called Texas has frozen over. Talks of global warming have been shelved for more heated debates over the causes of the crisis in Texas. The downed power lines, the overloaded grids, the frozen pipes, the water shut offs, the rolling blackouts, the road conditions which have created chaos for those of us trying to get to essential jobs and for our emergency response teams.

This crisis will pass, we will learn, and be better prepared hopefully. I am praying everyone weathers the storm well. Together. It is in crises like this that reveal the condition of the human heart. I have experienced the kindness and sacrifices of so many. My nursing coworkers coming in early for each other, sleeping in the hospital on cots, no hot showers, staying days on end. My managers sleeping on their office floors so their nurses can have a bed as they care for our needs. My coworkers working tirelessly through their own exhaustion to keep our patients safe and harbored from the storm while their worried parents can’t visit. I have had countless people check in. A dear friend let me stay in her home so I could navigate a shorter drive to work. My husband helped me prep for my 30 mile drive in and as I said goodbye the power went out. He weathered the worst of it by himself in a 40 degree house, yet I never heard him gripe about it.

I want to thank all the police officers- my cousin Cody, our neighbor Al, all the emergency workers out there in this craziness keeping us sane and safe- Andrew, my cousin’s husband. All the people working around the clock so people in nursing homes and hospitals can have the life giving things they need. All the workers keeping our city going, my brother-n-law, Justin working to keep people safe from downed lines and to keep lines of communication open. My church and all the others for opening their doors to those who can’t keep warm. Friends offering homes, food, water, shelter. My coworkers for bringing laughter to a hard situation and just doing what we have to do and doing it well.

It’s easy in these situations to let our heart show. And Texas has a big one.

As hours and days wear on, it’s warring on our hearts. It is tiresome.

I confess, I have a heart condition.

And it lived there long before this crisis brought it to the surface. I know this because I know its tendencies everyday, when little crises spin their scripts. I have seen my reflection many times in the faces of others I have hurt. I thought I had trained myself at this point in life to be fairly selfless. And then marriage reflected how many decisions I make in a day that are centered around me. I know how much my emotions and body can dictate what level of kindness comes forth. I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping my chin up until I actually have to do a pull up. I know my heart and its love of self. I know how it likes to tell its tale of woe to my head.

It talks a lot.

I thought I knew my heart best, and that I was resigned to the attached strings which pull at it. But God is far more acquainted with it than I am.

King David of Israel said, “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down, and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether” Psalm 139:1-4.

We can hide our heart from others, and keep it together most of the time, but there is no hiding from the knowing of God.

How despairing! My heart sinks like the stone that it can be so often.

But God is also a good, kind Surgeon with a remedy, “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” Ezekiel 36:26.

I had a moment of open heart surgery today. I don’t want to brave the roads anymore, pack another bag, leave my husband and stay overnight so I can work another dayshift. Home is my comfort, my safe haven, it is a healing place for me. There’s nothing wrong with wanting these good things. But God cares far more about the intents of my heart and its actions than He does any false bravado. (For the record I have none for Interstate 35.)

As I was throwing my own pebbles into the pond of despair, trying not to compare situations, all the while comparing other’s situations so as to remove the focus from my own, I hit a rock. Let’s just call that rock a revelation of a deeper desire that was fueling my mood. It is a good desire. But the way I was desiring it, my way- was not good because it is not the situation God has placed me in.

God showed me that I could give Him that rock, and trust. Trust that He places us in the situations we live in for greater purposes, or let it continue to sink the state of my heart.

After sinking for a few minutes longer, I was like, “Fine!”

“Fine?”

“Yes, fine, you can have it.” (You can see I have a very mature relationship with God.)

“Ok.”

“That’s all?”

“Until you give me all of it, your desires, your struggles, your heart, I can’t remove the stone that you think you so desperately need when in reality it is creating a hole that is hemorrhaging away the blessing of receiving a softer heart.”

Lord, give me a heart that is soft, open, and new! Plant in me a heart that doesn’t tire of well doing. Give me a heart that sees others as you do. And let my heart admit its sin. Grant me the heart that you created me for, one that reflects yours.

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I pray that when all this ice turns into a puddle, we find our reflection is full of His glory and grace that got us through!