I’m writing this lying in a hospital bed in Tyler, Texas. It’s nighttime and I should be home with my husband and firstborn. Being admitted was not part of the expected outcome, but then very few things in life go according to plan.
We were excited and a bit shocked when we found out we were pregnant with our second. Marrying Kirk at 37 and hoping to have kids felt like we had missed that bus. Many of our friends had kids in high school already. Part of our shock was realizing our due date was going to be close to our home build finishing. We even told our builder our news. I mean- lighting a bit of a fire doesn’t hurt, right?
We moved to East Texas last June, the area lovingly labeled simply by its place on the map. Frankly it’s just so beautiful, serene, and so different from the hustle of Dallas, the “weirdness” of Austin, where I grew up, and even the wild of West Texas. People here are the salt of the earth kind. Strangers would do anything for you.
We felt called by God to move after my hard working husband received the option to transfer here. And if I told you all God did to bring us here, we would be here awhile.
With our second pregnancy I was quite sick, didn’t feel myself. I was down and unmotivated. But there’s nothing like a 16 month old at home to keep you moving! I was so happy about the baby, but felt things were just different, perhaps God was whispering a warning. Our first two ultrasounds were picture perfect. Our 8 weeks and 3 days one showed normal growth and a strong heartbeat.
I’m sure by now you know where this story is headed.
At twelve weeks I went into a new OB to establish care. The minute the ultrasound flashed with no heartbeat and the quiet sonographer went to get the practioner, I knew. My heart was not even a second behind my brain, as sobs involuntarily left my body.
We were days away from making our happy announcement publicly.
They were sorry. The baby had passed away in the 8th week. I needed to come back in two weeks. Try to wait at home and see if my body would do what it needed to do.
Thank God for medical care.
Almost a week went by, my body refusing to recognize the lost pregnancy of now five weeks. We felt like we needed a plan. The second OB appt confirmed that. At this point, we we were entering the arena of complications. We scheduled the outpatient surgery for the next day, after realizing the potential dangers and not wanting to go through another weekend of being on an emotional hold.
The minor outpatient surgery was not so much. The OB spent twice as long with me in the OR as he anticipated. I lost 2 liters of blood, close to half my blood volume. No one told me this until later, when I tried to get up out of bed, and nearly passed out. Overnight was needed to monitor. Thankfully my blood count was stable, but my body needed time to register the volume loss.
My heart would need even longer.
The nursing student checking me into my overnight room naively asked if I had any open wounds. I wanted to reply- “Just my heart,” but I knew that I was once her, a young RN, just checking the boxes.
Before all this has happened, I had been feeling pretty alone in my pregnancy. After all I had uprooted 37 years of my life- said goodbye to family, community, so many friendships, and left 18 years of relationships at my only place of work as an RN to follow my husband and be home with our son.
And then our little One flew away and left us. It’s the oddest space to be in. Pregnant but not.
I was lost with the change of direction, all my plans halted. I sought the comfort of God, reading His Word:
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.”
Matthew 10:29
Not a single sparrow falls.
There is not one who is not under His constant watch, his ever faithful care. No creature on earth is ever outside His hands.
We don’t know what we were going to have, but the Lord told me this was our little Sparrow. Never once outside His care, or his plans. Psalm 139 says that He knew everyday of our baby’s life before yet one day had been numbered and purposed every one.
I never noticed this detail in the Bible before. People were bringing their children to Jesus to be blessed: “Then they also brought infants to Him that He might touch them…”
Babies in Jesus arms. On earth and in heaven.
God never skips a detail. Or misses a heartbeat.
“Jesus called them to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” Luke 18:15-17
Children teach us more about God than any theologian or scholar. The kingdom of heaven is missed by so many because we believe wrongly we have to be good, earn our way, or maybe that we just don’t need God. Or want Him.
Jesus said- this, this is the way- to trust me like a Child, with all your heart, to recklessly abandon your ways, and follow Mine. To give up yourself for Me as I have given myself to you. Then and only then will you find the pure unadulterated joy of knowing me like a child does.
It amazes me that the One who upholds everything by the Word of his power- also holds the babies, the sparrows, and the oceans in the hollow of His nail scarred hand. (Hebrews 1:3, Isaiah 40:12)
My heart longs still to have this one, to hold. But I’ll wait longingly for that Day and to see what His heart holds for us in this journey.
Our little Sparrow is more alive than ever, and just has flown on ahead of us, to be with Him.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Jesus
Thank you to our sweet new church family for stepping in, sending us tangible love and for all our friends and family who checked in, prayed, sent food, and loved us. And for Summer, keeping our firstborn so Mama wouldn’t worry.
I no longer feel alone.
Movement in a Mercurial World 