The Surprise of Parenthood

I thought I was expecting all the things with a baby, especially as a NICU nurse of 16 years. I mentally prepared myself for what I thought would be the hardest part- the lack of sleep. I laughed nervously when I asked other moms, “When does sleep get better?” And their reply was, “You’ll never sleep soundly again!”

Yet motherhood startled me in many ways.

I wasn’t quite prepared for the loss of control- of my heart, my emotions, even my body.

I laid stretched out on the C-section table telling myself not to try and move my toes because it made my legs feel heavier. I was scheduled for delivery because of a low lying placenta. My mind raced. I tried to breathe calmly. The OR team reassured me of our son’s impending arrival as they pushed above the swell of my abdomen. The air squeezed out of me, tears involuntarily rolled down my cheeks. They told me I would feel pressure-I felt pain.

I heard him before I saw him. His cry was strong and marked. Music to my nurse ears. And then there he was, perfectly round cheeks and upward turned nose, his blinking blue eyes- taking in the world around him.

My constricted heart filled.

I didn’t realized just how deeply invested my heart was until this eight pound ball of a human stared back at me. I had already loved him a long time, but now it was love in my sight.

I laid partially paralyzed as the nurse wheeled me to recovery. Beeping monitors above me, I held my son, offering him the nourishment God had placed in me. My heart rate read 38. The nurse worriedly asked me how I felt. “Exhilarated!” My son was in my arms!

His blood sugar was low- so we offered him formula. No NICU drama needed here. He ate so well. He must have been practicing because he came out with a suck blister on his wrist.

I had never felt such euphoria.

We were baptized by the flooding in of parenthood- diapers, disrupted sleep, good intentions, wrong advice, well wishes and prayers, and to frame it best in the words of our discharge nurse- “At the end of the day, we are all just winging it.”

All the new emotions rose to the surface. Deeply tied to the dicotomy of his strong insistent cries was the fragility of the situation- his whole wellbeing depended on us.

We were sucked into a time vortex. I have never watched all the hours go by on the clock. I missed the sun though it was one of the hottest summers on record. Our AC bill showed it. I think I sweated out all my excess estrogen from pregnancy at night and lost all my gained weight except 5 pounds by my two week check up. “Is that normal?” “Hmm, can be,” was my OB’s non-reassuring reply.

Don’t worry I regained some with all the lactation cookies.

I thought I was prepared being a baby nurse for almost two decades. But I wasn’t ready for all the second guessing. So much felt like it was at stake.

There was the morning my heart completely exited my chest. Having gone to the bathroom for 30 seconds I ran out to find his color a shade that had me calling for help. His choking episode left me sleepless for a week.

All the hormones that present themselves as emotions came all at once that first week. My husband bore them well, and bore all of them.

I didn’t know there was such a thing as a “fourth trimester,” as my dear friend, Meredith informed me. It was by far proving to be the most difficult.

I thought I was done with the physical discomfort of bearing him, but I carried my son well past his due date. He slept on my chest often because of his colic and reflux. I carried him in one arm breastfeeding as I negotiated some breakfast. We barely slept. A few nights- not at all. It was as if my heart had grown arms because my physical ones lost their strength.

I triple fed (breastfed, pumped, and then bottle fed) for 8 weeks to try and help my supply. I didn’t know it was suppose to be more of a temporary thing. I will never again just casually encourage a NICU mom in this!

The marathon feedings gave way to a slightly more sane routine. We tried multiple formulas to fill in the gap of my supply and for his tummy upset and reflux.

I won’t quickly forget the night our cat, who literally eats nothing except his dry food, drug the specialty European formula off the counter. It had come in two days prior. I was desperate to try anything. That cat put just the right amount of holes in it. I wasn’t sure whether to lock the formula or the cat up.

“Sleep when your child sleeps.”

Sage advice for the child who actually sleeps.

I took Tylenol and ibuprofen around the clock to keep moving the first week as I recovered. My liver enzymes showed it.

But more than all the chaos of keeping a little human alive- I wasn’t prepared to feel the penetrating warm gaze of a beautiful little soul created by God Himself.

It astounded me that one egg and one tiny seed created this perfectly miniature little human being.

Reproduction it seems flies in the face of the very foundations of the theory of evolution- all chaos and chance. No explanation for the intricacies of our design and the incredible ability to replicate that design through the oneness of man and woman in our children.

That very design points to the Divine.

I wasn’t prepared for all the wonder- the new awe of God as our ever patient parent.

And for all his fragility, my son’s cries would make me move mountains for him.

As our Heavenly Father did- moving heaven to earth, through Jesus. To be known and to become one of us, so we could be like Him.

Some call a baby’s entrance into the world a “Life Event.” This makes me laugh. The event is not over. Its just begun. And though the beginning has been rough, he’s so worth it. I cannot wait to see what God does with his life in his generation.

We know he is a gift from God. We have both waited to be parents until we thought it wasn’t possible. So we gave him back. On a sunny Sunday we gathered our community and dedicated him to the Lord.

I’m learning so much everyday. I’m slowly breathing more deeply and enjoying getting to know my son in the midst of piles of laundry, feeding, pumping around the clock and just trying to find my toothbrush.

And I would be lying if I didn’t say I can’t wait for a little more sleep.